omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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