Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
