God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
