Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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