The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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