He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I need to calm my uterus...
True strength comes from lack of pants
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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