I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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