What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
It was confusing and full of hummus
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
