I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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