Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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