I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just gift wrapped bread.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
