just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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