Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
