This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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