i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
