All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
