I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
