Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
