you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
