So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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