i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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