I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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