I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
