My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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