Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
