Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
