six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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