I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
