I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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