I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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