the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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