I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize