I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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