Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
