Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
