Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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