When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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