Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
