I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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