I wish my penis had an off switch
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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