I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
