So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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