Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I need moral support for this bender
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
