Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
