He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
