Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
