She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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