Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
