We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
