It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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