I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
