Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
