Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
