I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
