this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
