how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
